Boundaries

The things we most often argue about are only symptoms of things hidden under the surface that we are not yet ready to confront.

Consider a romantic couple fighting over what they see to be bad traits in each other. A girlfriend accusing you of being too prideful. A boy friend saying you aren't giving enough to the relationship, or any number of other combinations.

In emotionally charged conflicts, which these tend to be, it is a safe assumption that whatever is being openly discussed is not the root cause of the conflict. It is both sides triangulating away from something hidden and too difficult to bring up. The question to ask is what is the underlying cause? More importantly, why can't we talk about it?

The reason has less to do with hiding things than it does with creating boundaries, or rather not creating them. On the one hand we avoid deep confrontation in favor of surface arguments because deep confrontation would leave us exposed for who we really are, thus violating the most fundamental boundary, but what lies in the depths of who we are is not always docile. When left in darkness, it has a tendency to run rampant and ravage. On the other hand, the reason things become hidden is because we did not pay attention to them and did not set boundaries around them to begin with. When not so restrained, and thus not in our control, they nearly always wonder to darkness.

In the case of people having gone through any manner of abuse at the hands of someone more powerful than them, this process is taken out of their hands and survival takes over. All the same, what is hidden must be brought out one day and must be framed for what it is.

To name something is to take power over it. It is the act of defining it and bounding it. It is also the first step to being free of the chaotic waves of fear and anxiety, and the first move to take hold of the weapons of reason and wisdom. This is seldom an act that is accomplished in solitude. However, the choice to take control originates with each individual.

So what is really under the surface? What is the real problem? What is it that you have yet to bring into the light and set a fence around, rather than leaving it to roam and ravage in the darkness?